Hi there,
I’d like you to think of one person on your team who you struggle to get along with.
Maybe they cause issues on the team or they always have a complaint about something.
Do they behave in a way that seems alien to you?
Do you just not ‘get’ them? Or maybe you feel like they don’t ‘get’ you?
With this person in mind, I’m going to talk to you today about a theory of ‘self-deception’ from the Arbinger Institute’s, Leadership and Self-Deception.
Self-deception is simply the problem of not knowing that you have a problem! It is a blindness to the part you play in the challenges you face.
In the referenced book, this is described as being stuck in a box where you can no longer see what is really going on. When you’re in this box, you are ignorant to the humanity of other people. You see them as objects rather than people with their own needs, challenges and objectives, equally as important as your own.
Up to this point, you might have believed that your acting skills are good enough to mask how you truly see others.
I’m here today to tell you that, this is not true!
No matter how you are behaving on the outside, people primarily respond to how you feel about them on the inside.
So if you are seeing someone as an object rather than the whole person that they are, they can sense this.
Human beings have an innate sense of how to help others; what we should do to support them. But very often we betray this sense and do something else. This is self-betrayal.
Self-betrayal is acting contrary to what you feel you should do for someone else.
This leads you to see the world in a way that justifies your self-betrayal.
You exaggerate others’ faults, inflate your own virtues and blame others for making you feel and act the way you do.
This stops you from seeing your role in creating the problems you complain about most. You aren’t seeing things clearly and so your solutions to problems tend to make matters worse.
How do you get out of the box?
Start by seeing people as who they really are. Get out of the box by ceasing to resist other people.
This week, pay attention to the person I asked you to think about at the beginning of this email.
Get curious about their needs, challenges and objectives.
Keep reminding yourself that everyone you encounter is a person, and see what happens.
I’d love to hear about your results.
Aoife
